Cooking Ninjutsu
by Jzashu
Summary: Naruto owns a cooking show, and he isn't making ramen! The horror rating is a joke, but it is T for swears, jaws falling off, and other disturbing moments.
1. The horrors begin, I mean PILOT!

Cooking Ninjustu! Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. Or Staples™. (Sasuke snickers) Don't make me come over there! (Holds up a pen for emphasis)

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Naruto: Welcome to Cooking Ninjustu!! I'm the chef and the host, the gonna-be-Hokage: Uzumaki Naruto!!!

Kakashi: Oh, god no…

Sasuke: We're going to die here, and I can't kill Itachi. How depressing.

Naruto: You're depressing! Okay, today we're making apple pie! What we need is some apples (Dumps apples on the counter) some flour (dumps a bunch of petunias next to the apples)

Sakura: Naruto-baka, you need mashed-up grain flour, not a bunch of flowers. Here. (Hurls a sack of flour at Naruto)

Naruto: (Shrieks and ducks)

Kakashi: (sighs and snags the flour bag)

Naruto: I coulda done that myself, sensei!

Kakashi: Whatever. (Whips out Icha-Icha Paradise and starts cackling over it)

Naruto: Whatever you! (Dumps a white-noise maker next to Kakashi) Okay, so first we chop up the apples! (Whips out a kunai and starts slicing up the apples) This is easy! (Kunai slips and cuts off all of Naruto's fingers) OH MY GOD!!!

Intermission, look at the cute wittwe kitty:3

70 Hours (and twice as many stitches) later…

Naruto: We're back!!!

Sasuke: And ready to die… I'm taking Itachi with me! (Uses whiny-little-brother-jutsu, Itachi runs up immediately)

Itachi: What is it?

Sasuke: (Whimpers and puts on doggy face) Can you pwetty pwease suffer with us, Itachi-yarou??

Itachi: Whatever… (Notices Kakashi still reading Icha-Icha Paradise) OH SWEET! YOU'RE READING THAT SERIES TOO?!

Kakashi: IT'S MINE!!! (Breathes fire)

Itachi: NO, IT'S MINE!!!! (squeals like a cheeseburger [A.N. What?)

Kakashi and Itachi start fighting

Naruto: Umm… -.-' whatever… Now we mutilate the apples… (Mutilates the apples by looking at them) That was easy (Gets a lawsuit from Staples™) (tears apart lawsuit) now we mix the "flour" with some water (Dumps the flour in a pot of acid) Oh dear… I'm positive that isn't supposed to work that way…

Everyone: Like hell I'm eating that!!! (Flees)

Naruto: Whatever. So we put the apples in this stuff and stuff it into an oven for a few hours and voila!!! Our apple pie is done? Wait, what does voila mean?

A few hours later…

Naruto: Okay, I rounded up everyone!!!

Sasuke: Lemme out of here!!! (Tries to chew off strait jacket)

Naruto: Now for them to try my chicken fajitas!!!

Sakura: I thought we were eating apple pie…

Naruto: I changed my mind…(looks at the glowing green pot) No wait, it WAS originally apple pie…

Kakashi: (screams like a little girl and tries as best he can to get out of strait-jacket)

Naruto: Well, I see Kakashi-sensei would like some chicken fajita first!!! (stuffs some green blob thing into Kakashi's mouth)

Kakashi's jaw falls off.

Everyone: O-O'

Kakashi starts violently shaking and falls off his chair, convulsing and barfing out organs.

Sasuke: (Screams like a little girl and tries to gnaw off his ankle-restraints)

Naruto: Well… Kakashi was no immunity to anything to begin with so let's try with Sasuke! (Stuffs a even larger green-glowing-blob-thing into Sasuke's mouth)

Sasuke explodes.

Everyone but Naruto starts screaming and tries to run out of the studio.

Naruto: We'll be back next time!!! (Chases after Sakura with another blob) I'm gonna get you!!!

TBC, unfortunately…

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A.N. Be afraid… be very afraid… 


	2. Traumati, I mean Episode II

Cooking Ninjutsu Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. Get over it.

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Naruto: Welcome back to Cooking Ninjutsu!!! Today we're going to eat some ramen!!!

Sasuke (In a cage): THANK GOD!!!

Naruto: Homemade!!!

Sasuke: OH GOD NO!!!

Naruto: I bought the noodles, and the broth, and some pre-sliced vegetables and chicken and beef, whatever those are…

Sakura (Also in a cage): How can you screw up this time!! This is actually gonna be nice!!!

Naruto: So we dump all of this stuff in the oven and set it to CLEAN, so it will be nice and clean and happy!

Sakura: (Face drops from happy and optimistic to "Oh my god, you are the Devil")

Naruto: Now we take it out, hey look it came out nice! (Pulls out the food, that is sparkling that nice-looking)

Sakura: Oh thank god…

Naruto: Now the instructions say dump the broth in a pot, bring the pot to the oven, put the dial to medium, or on the dial MED. Wait a few minutes, then dump the rest of the food in. This is easier than the apple pie!!!

Kakashi (In a cage also): I don't care what you whip out this time…

Sakura: Wait, how are you and Sasuke-kun alive? You died last chapter!

Sasuke: Plot holes, get over it.

Few minutes later…

Naruto: Okay, the food's all done and before our judges, now for them to eat it! And I was lying about buying pre-chopped meat; I chopped it myself!

Sakura: (Eats some food) Naruto this is amazing!!!

Sasuke: Better than Itachi's!!!

Kakashi: You outdid yourself!!!

Kiba: (Runs into the studio) Naruto, why is Akamaru's skin in the trash bin?! And his organs?! I swear, you better not have served him with that food!!!

Naruto: Eep…

Everyone eating gags.

Shino: (Runs in) Dare I ask how you got to the inside of me and stole some bugs? I know it is you, Naruto.

Everyone eating: (Face goes green)

Ino: (Hobbles in) What happened to my feet?! (Lifts one of her legs and points at her stub where her foot used to be)

Sakura: There is no god… (Loads a gun and puts it to her head)

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The rest isn't pretty, so I'm stopping here!!! TBC 


	3. Naruto quits, is that good or bad?

Cooking Ninjustu Chpt. 3

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto.

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Cheesy Intro then shows Naruto sitting on the counter in the studio. 

Naruto: Welcome to our show, and I have something to say, I QUIT!!!

Director: WHAT?!

Kakashi, Sasuke, and Sakura cheer.

Naruto: As you see, all of my friends support me, I'm sick of murdering everyone repeatedly!!! Even though I only did it twice…

Up in Heaven…

Shino: Yeah right!!!

God walks over

God: Aren't you banned from here?

Shino: o-o' … no.

God: I need new glasses but whatever. Down you go!

God kicks Shino to Hell.

Naruto: Shino! I already told you that we're quitting! And yes, you guys can cheer again.

Everyone cheers again.

Naruto walks off stage, a sign at the bottom of the screen says, "Looking for new victimizer- we mean cook! Sign up now! Call 1-800-HEL-LFUN!!!

Over at some house far far away... No not by Shrek; he's over in the other direction.

A woman watches Naruto storm off stage. She grins and smoothes back her long blonde hair.

"Teriya! I have a new job for you!" She calls to her husband, who walks into the living room wearing only a towel and currently brushing his teeth.

"What is it, Katsya?" He asks, staring at her clueless with his obsidian eyes. Katsya smiles and points at the TV, Teras takes one look and shrieks, throwing his arms in the air and darting for the front door. Katsya's smile turns into an evil grin.

"Teras, sweetie!" She calls walking for the front door, "You forgot your towel!" A chorus of squeals of delight from the girls (and the dirty old man across the street) and screams of horror from everyone else come from up and down the street. Teras runs back, puts the towel back on, and runs away again screeching bloody murder. Katsya sighs and starts walking around the room waiting. A bunch of toothpaste and a toothbrush lands in her hair. Snarling, she teleports in front of the druid glaring at him ferociously.

"I already called them and signed you up, you're working for Cooking Ninjutsu." She snaps. Teras whimpers.

A few days later back at the Cooking Ninjutsu studio.

Director: Okay, wear this apron.

Teras: Why?

Director: Because your psychopath of a wife will kill us if you don't.

Katsya: (Contently filing her nails) Sometimes hell is the best place for a nail salon!

Teras nukes the apron, the director bursts into tears. Teras laughs.

Teras: Oh, dear! I guess I can't cook now!

The director stops crying and smirks, whipping out a new apron from nowhere.

Director: This studio is Hell, you know.

Teras: I know, the author of this story works here 34-60. He's assigned to Hitler.

The author waves from his station nearby and goes back to dunking Hitler in liquid fire.

Author: Working in Hell is so great!!! (grins)

Teras rolls his eyes.

Director: Just get working, we're gonna start rolling in four seconds.

Katsya gets up from her chair and drop-kicks Teras to behind the counter.

Teras: (Reading from the script laid out in front of him in the slash-mark style writing of his wife)Welcome to Cooking Ninjutsu. I'm your new host, Kazekami Hiratsu Teras, and my guests here are Itsura Nisatsu (gestures towards the blue-haired saint who bounces in his chair flailing his arm around)and my gorgeous wife, Katsya. (Throws a meat cleaver at his wife.) I'm gonna get you for this!!!

Katsya: (Rolls her eyes) You wouldn't dare, at what happened all those years ago. (Grabs the meat cleaver) Oooh… I can so use this for archery!!!

Director: O.o

Teras: (Blandly) Today we will be making… (falls asleep) too boring!!!

Katsya: (Hurls the meat cleaver at Teras as hard as she can, it plows through his head.) BULLSEYE!!! (Cheers)

Director: O.O!!!

Teras: I'm awake! I'm awake!!! (Regrows the part of his scalp somehow.)Let's see what we're making here! (Stares at the sheet.) Ginger rice, looks simple enough.

Katsya: I thought I'd start you easy

Teras: Thanks hun. Okay, so we need some Worcestershire sauce, some rice of course, pickled ginger… (As he's saying this he's conjuring the food.) Some salt for some reason, and some butter! Easy! Now we dump nearly all of this stuff except the Worcestershire sauce in a pan, cook for like 20 minutes, stir a LOT!!!

2 minutes later….

Teras is sprawled over the kitchen counter looking bored as all hell get out.

Teras: OKAY I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE!!!

Nisatsu: Teras, NO!!!

Teras casts a hasty-cooky spell on the rice

Teras: BE DONE ALREADY ME DAMMIT!!!

Katsya smacks her head in aggravation. Teras realizes what he has just done.

Teras: O.O Oh crap-fishcakes.

The ginger rice stuff turns alive, making catapaults out of each other and... Condaleeza Rice??

Author: Okay, now that's just a tiny bit too scary...

Director: Then get rid of it!

Author: Too lazy...

Teras: DIE! DIE! DIE!!! (Nukes the entire studio apart, getting rid of the entire rice dish gone wrong.) Much better! (Restores the studio.) Oh CRAP it's back again!!! (Nukes the rice again.) This'll be a while…

Seven days later…

Katsya: (Clutching her head in fury.) OH ME TERAS JUST GET OVER IT!!! I'LL TAKE CARE OF IT FROM HERE!!! (Leaps onto the stage and vivisects the entire rice catapaults somehow.) Now let's eat!!! (Dives onto the floor chomping away at the food.) Not bad… Disgraceful though but WHATEVER!!!

Teras and Nisatsu: O.o Well, umm… we'll see you if whenever? Sorta? (Dives off of the stage hauling away.)TO THE XBOX 34280562635876238756234.25!!!

TBC

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A.N. That ginger rice is a real recipe I got off the web. I forgot who made it but GRATS for the great recipe!!! 


	4. Teras's first try

Cooking Ninjutsu Chpt. 4!

Disclaimer: I own Teras, Nisatsu, and Katsya!! HA HA!! I don't own Naruto though… T.T

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Teras is shown on the cooking studio looking so ungodly bored, his silver hair falling all over his face, his elbow resting on the table, and holding his head with a lazy hand.

Teras: (Bored as all hell get out) Welcome back to Cooking Ninjutsu, recently named Cooking God. I'm your host, Kazekami Hiratsu Teras. (Head falls off and rolls off the counter.)

Director: :O

Teras: (Body leans over, picks up his head, and dumps the still talking head back on it's proper place.) Today we'll be cooking _more like murdering you crazy old grampies…_ some apple cobbler. (Old grandpa voice) Cobblah? Where'sh mah cobblah? (Hobbles around the room looking for dentures.) Okay, we need…

Katsya: TERAS PUT MORE EXCITEMENT INTO IT!!

Nisatsu: Pretend like it's nearly time for that!!

Katsya: (Smacks Nisatsu upside the head.) Don't be a lecher.

Nisatsu: But, look! (Points at Teras.) It works perfectly! And what do you mean lecher? I'm talking about me and Teras running around the parking lot in wheelchairs!

Teras: (True as Nisatsu said, looks so psyched up for fun) Let's just go and run around in wheelchairs now!! (Grabs Nisatsu and runs off.) TO THE RETIREMENT HOME!!

Katsya: -.-' (Smacks her head.) Well, time for me to cook now. (Steps onto the stage and smacks her palms on the counter cheerfully.) Well now! We need some apples, some flour, some sugar, some whatever the hell you also need! So let's get started! (Picks up her trusty machete.) First, we chop up these apples into slices, without the core of course! (Brings up the machete and heaves it down. The machete cuts off Katsya's hand.) Oh, bloody hell. Emphasis on the bloody… (Heals her hand back.) Hey, look! I'm like Guu from Junguru Wa Itsumo Hare Nochi Guu!! (Waves her hand around.) So now we… umm… (Looks confused and bring her hand to her chin staring at the apples chunks she made through sheer rage.) Where's the bloody script? (Stalks around the room.) I know Teras put it somewhere! Oh, here we go! (Picks up a piece of paper dripping red stuff.) I ran outta ink at home, you'd be amazed at how fast blood spreads on piece of paper! Let's see now… Oh! You more stuff on how to make apple cobbler.

10 Minutes later…

Katsya: (Pulls the apple cobbler out of the oven bare-handed.) And that's how you make apple cobbler! Now to get Teras and Nisatsu before they start dancing around singing the retarded Peanut Butter Jelly Time song… (Runs out of the studio.) GOD DAMMIT I'M TOO LATE!!

Director: How is half of this stuff possible?

Fourteen minutes and three Aspirin later…

Katsya: Now that we got our guests, let's try out our apple cobbler! (Picks up some sparkling apple cobbler.)

Teras: 9All tied up in the chair.) How is it so shiny?

Katsya: I put the oven onto clean for a few minutes and put it in the dish washer. There was a speck of dust right there. (Jabs at the counter.) You wouldn't want to fall sick, now would you?

Teras: I'm going to anyways…

Nisatsu: (Cries.) This is SO not in my vision!!

Katsya: Oh, suck it up. That's why I'm not so dependant on your weird psychic talents. (Stuffs apple cobbler in both saints' mouths.)

Teras: (Gags.)

Nisatsu: More! More!

Katsya: (Crams the entire pan into Nisatsu's mouth.) Excellent catering techniques, take notes.

Nisatsu: (Dies again.)

Katsya: Except that part...

Teras: Oh, dear god no…

Katsya: Don't worry. I can resurrect him! (Resurrects Nisatsu.)

Director: :O

Katsya: Now we'll see you next time!! (Picks up a chunk of apple cobbler and advances on Teras who's busy kicking and screaming.)

TBC

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A.N. I'm back! Well, Junguru wa Itsumo Haru Nochi Guu is a Japanese anime that I find wildly funny. It's about this boy who lives in a jungle with his happy-go-lucky alchoholic mother when one day a mysterious girl moves into his house. The girl seems nice at first but she's really some magical creature with a sadistic pleasure in making the boy's life as chaotic as possible.


	5. Katsya's Turn

Cooking Ninjutsu chpt

Cooking Ninjutsu chpt. 5?!

Disclaimer: Yes, I do own Katsya, Teras, and Nisatsu. I created them, to the very muscle and aura tendril. But I don't own Naruto, if I did, then that would be very sad.

Key for all the people who don't have a clue of what I'm ranting about: **Actions the people take, **_Thoughts of the characters,_ Author notes, which you'll never have to worry about, really.

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Katsya: **Slaps her palms onto the stainless steel counter and beams at the camera.** Welcome to Cooking Ninjutsu, recently called Cooking is Magic! I am your new host (_If I get a chance, I'm bolting outta this hellhole…_ ) Katsya! Now today we'll be making… **Looks at the recipe book.** No… not that… that looks icky… What the hell is that thing?! No, no no… grr… **Flings the recipe book behind her and whirls around with guns in her hands, blasting the poor papers to itty-bitty bits.** Screw it, we're making ramen!!

Naruto: DID SOMEONE SAY RAMEN?!

Katsya: _**O.o**_ No…

Naruto: **Plows into the kitchen.** I'm making the ramen! Believe it!! **Smashes Katsya out of the way.** I return as your first and current host, Uzumaki Naruto! And I'm going to be Konohagakure Hokage!! BELIEVE IT!!

Katsya: _ (yeah… my time to leave!!_) WOOT!! **Hauls outta the kitchen/stage/stand-thingy.**

Naruto: I am a master at the ramen-jutsu! Believe it!! **Slaps his hands together.** The way of the ramen-jutsu is such fine control, you will have to calm your mind…_ (It's peanut butta jellay TIME!! Peanut Butter Jelly time! Now way-ah! Way-ah! Way-ah! __Just play Peanut Butter Jelly Time song to get my point…)_

Nisatsu: ZOMG!! It's peanut butter jelly time!! **Dances in Naruto's mind.** This is awfully cramped… Must be from the size of his brain…

Naruto: Oh, shut up! **Starts whipping up ramen.**

Three minutes later…

Naruto: What's the point with the stupid people-testing-the-stupid-botched-food scene? No one really cares anymore! That stupid scene I have justly revamped! Believe it!

Everyone else is calmly sitting at the table.

Naruto: Now, let's eat! **Flings ramen in everyone's faces.**

Teras: **Face melts into the face of a predator™. ****Weird clicking noises the predator makes.**

Katsya: **Face melts into a cat's face.** Moo

Nisatsu: **Face doesn't melt.** It burn!! It burn!! Nisatsu sad!! Okay, I'm done with the retard routine… **Licks the ramen off of his face.** It tastes horrible…

Naruto: YOU DARE!! **Turns into Satan!!** I shall attack you with my keyboard!!

Nisatsu: Oh, please, you're the author of this retarded fanfic?!

Naruto/Satan/Me: Umm… yeah..?

Nisatsu: Then shoo! I'm getting bored with this fanfic! I wanna be tortured by more horrible means, not by being killed by food every friggin' chapter!

Naruto/Satan/Me: Well, fine then! **Clacks into his keyboard.**

Nisatsu: **Vanishes into Horses EVIL!! Fanfic.** Oh, dear god no!! I don't wanna have my arm munched off by Gazelle again!!

Naruto/Satan/Me: **Cackles.**

Teras: **Starts eating himself.**

Katsya: **Walks away.**

Naruto/Satan/Me: Okay then… **Nukes this chapter.** MUAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA!!

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TBC… unfortunately to you guys!!

A.N. Moo…


	6. Perverts Attack

Cooking Ninjutsu Chpt

Cooking Ninjutsu Chpt. 6

A.N. I got this idea off of a review, wish I could respond back to him/her but well, this is the evil response: me using it!!

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto, get over it. I do own Katsya, Teras, and Nisatsu though

Key for my writing: regular speech, **what the characters are doing while they're talking, **_the character's thoughts, _the rare A.N.'s

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Naruto: **Leaning casually on the counter.** Welcome back to Cooking Ninjutsu. I'm your recurring host, Uzumaki Naruto.

Katsya: **Cheers at Naruto.** Make it so I don't have to work on this shit-show, bitch!!

Naruto: **Rolls eyes.** Today we will be making a nice…

Kakashi: Screw this torment!! **Leaps onto the stage.** Me and Jiraiya will be making some food instead!!

Jiraiya: Yeah!! **Leaps onto the stage.** Move it Naruto!

Naruto: No, I'm cooking, Ero-sennin 1 and Ero-sennin 2!!

**Huge-ass weird fight thing that looks so physically wrong on stage, Katsya cheering.**

Katsya: Whip out that kunai, Kakashi!

Kakashi: I don't have any kunai on me…

Katsya: Who said WEAPON kunai?!

Kakashi: **Sweats and giggles nervously.**

Teras: I thought that I was your husband, Katsya.

Katsya: I know, but this guy looks hot. Not as hot as you, but still hot. **Grins with very dirty images in her mind.**

Teras: Whatever…

Huge-ass wrong-looking fight continues…

Director: Oh, screw it! We can just stop rolling and get to film this when they're done fighting!!

Five hours later…

Kakashi: Well, we're done now!!

Naruto: **Creeps off the stage, bloody and torn apart.**

Director starts filming again.

Kakashi: Well, me and Jiraiya are now your hosts!

Jiraiya: **Tries to get rid of the duct tape covering his mouth.**

Kakashi: Quit it, it'll make no difference anyways.

Jiraiya: **Stops and whips out Make-Out Paradise. His eyes gleam lecherously.**

Kakashi: Oh Kami! That's Icha-Icha Paradise!! **Starts reading also.**

Katsya: WOOT!!

Director: I need a new cook… one that will stay and not make a nightmare out of this…

Seventy hours later… When the show's on the internet…

Pervert on the internet: **Giggles lecherously.**

On the screen…

Kakashi: Well, we made some freshly made glue!!

Katsya: YAY!! **Leaps onto the stage.** Eww…

Teras: I warned you… **Face turns bright red as he slaps a hand over his face.**

Director: This studio just has to be in Hell…

Author/Satan: MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

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TBC…

A.N. Anyone scarred for life now?? This so gives the fanfic a M-rated theme now…


	7. Nisatsu or Naruto, Take your pick

Cooking Ninjutsu Chpt

Cooking Ninjutsu Chpt. 7

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. Or barbies. I own Katsya, Nisatsu, and Teras though!!

Key: People talking, **People's actions,** _People's thoughts,_ The dreaded Author Notes!!

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Naruto: Well, after a long and brutal fight with Ero-sennin 1 and Ero-sennin 2…

Kakashi and Jiraiya: **Looks up from their "fun time" books.** Like hell that happened. **Snorts and looks back down at their "books".**

Naruto: I have valiantly reclaimed my title as "Head Chef of the Cooking Ninjutsu television broadcast!" **Strikes a dramatic pose.**

Katsya: Like hell that would ever happen… **Continues ogling Kakashi.**

Teras: Katsya, you're my wife. Don't dare to do that, or the council of gods will have to intervene. **Continues to ignore what Katsya's doing behind his back.**

Naruto: And now we'll make… **Looks up.** Holy flippin' HELL!! **Gets tackled by Nisatsu.**

Nisatsu: **Looks up, wearing a WWII aviator helmet and looks around wildly.** Agent 000.2 has officially landed on foreign soil. REPEAT! **Whips out his Barbie™ cellphone.** Agent 000.2 has officially landed on foreign soil. OVER!

Barbie cellphone™: Math is hard!

Nisatsu: Affirmative; Mission : Make Naru-tard relinquishes his vile reign over cooking democracy in effect! Agent 000.2 out! OVER!

Barbie cellphone™: **Suddenly one deep-ass voice** LETS KILL 'EM MEN!!

Naruto: What the hell?

Nisatsu: **Whips out a Pikachu plushie. **(AN:I don't own Pokemon either.) FOR LESS MENTAL ISSUES!! **Starts beating up Naruto with the plushie.**

Naruto: Ow! Oh my god ow!

Katsya, Teras, Jiraiya, Kakashi, and Director: **Suddenly whips out popcorn and starts munching on them.** This is a good movie… **Gets tons of good reviews from critics.**

Next week:

The Daily Cheezy Moogles (AN: don't ask) newspaper: The television broadcast "Cooking whatever-the-hell-the-cook-changes-it-to-this-time" is an absolute blast for the Yohgetsu and Konohagakure villages! **Shows a picture of Nisatsu beating up Naruto with a plushie.**

Reader from somewhere else: What the hell?

The Daily Cheezy Moogles: Here's what the director has to say: "Quack." An outstanding review! The critics say the same thing!

Next episode:

Nisatsu: Welcome to Holy Cooking! I'm your host (and very sexy saint) Itsura Nisatsu! Today we'll be making: Shrimp Pâté!

Teras: **Barfs all over the stage, another good review and tons of fan letters from 13-year-old girls.**

Katsya: What the?!

Naruto: **Shudders delicately.** And you're calling me a heathen!

Kakashi: **Retches all over his Icha-Icha Paradise book.** Hum. **Whips out his back-up book.**

Nisatsu: Now, you take all 500-pounds of these shrimps…

Sounds of a truck backing up, 500-pounds worth of shrimp pours all over the stage.

Nisatsu: And dump them in this blender! **Points at a 50-foot-tall blender nearby, dumping the shrimp in.** Put it on puree, wait a few minutes… **Puts the thing onto puree.**

A few minutes…

Nisatsu: And we have our Shrimp Pate! Who's first?!

Crickets as everyone has "stealthily" hauled away.

Nisatsu: I SEE YOU OVER THERE IN SWEDEN!! **Flings the entire Pate over to Sweden.**  
Everyone except Nisatsu: GOD DAMMIT!! **Dies from over-whelming hurl.**

Nisatsu: **Dances a tiny bit.** We'll see you next episode! After I resurrect these guys…

* * *

TBC

Author Notes: Review… REVIEW!! I like reviews! It makes my life better and happier!


	8. Sakura Steps up

Cooking Ninjutsu Chpt

Cooking Ninjutsu Chpt. 8

I own Nisatsu, Katsya, Saras, and Teras. Not Naruto.

Key for reading: People talking, **People acting,** _People thinking,_ Author Notes.

* * *

Chpt. 8

Nisatsu: Welcome back to my cooking show!

Dozens of millions of people around the world scream and rapidly hurls their TV's out the window. Likewise, dozens of millions of fangirls scream bloody murder and cling to their TV's.

Fangirls: Nisatsu-KUUUN!! **Hearts**

Nisatsu: Holy hell, I can hear you guys from here!

Fangirls: Nisatsu-kun HEARD me!! **Squeal in such a high-pitched voice that even I can't even describe.**

Nisatsu: **Ears start bleeding.** Now, today we'll be making a nice huckleberry syrup. Well, actually; we'll be doing that a few months from now, as I have to pick huckleberries from Virginia. So, I'm making my own show: Huckleberry Extravaganza! Four thousand people will join me on my trek through the Rocky Mountains, Appalachian Mountains, and my heart! It's also going to be a reality show where I pick which of you guys I will date! Call now for YOUR reservation!

Fangirls: **Fling out several cellphones and rapidly start dialing the number printed on the screen.** I WANNA BE WITH NISATSU-KUUUUN!!

Nisatsu: So now, I bid adieu to the ones who are watching! **Leaves.**

Fangirls' parents: Thank GOD!

Director: Okay… who's going to be cooking next??

Sakura: (A.N. Yes, she's still here, I just don't mention her that much.) Fine, I'll take it. **Steps on the stage.**

Naruto: Yeah! Go, Sakura-chan! I'm rooting for you, believe it!

Sakura: (_Oh my god, this kid's a retard.)_ Well, I'm Haruno Sakura, your new host! Today, we'll be making a non-tainted apple pie - unlike the one Naruto-baka made.

Naruto: **Bursts out in nearly over-exaggerated sobs.** Sakura-chan!

Inner Sakura: **Rises to the surface and decks Naruto.** URUSEI!!

Everyone: **Utter shock.**

Sakura: Okay then, let's make some pie! **Flips back her hair and begins cooking.**

Katsya: **Leans to Teras.** If she botches it I'm so gonna laugh my ass off.

Teras: **Nods in agreement.** If she doesn't this will be fun to watch! **Grins.**

Two hours later…

Sakura: And voila! A beautiful apple pie! **Flings off the cloth covering the pie. The pie is glistening with perfection.**

Naruto: **Shock.** THAT'S MY SAKURA-CHAN! BELIEVE IT!

Sakura and Inner Sakura: **Smacks her head.** Oh, my god I'm not even gonna bother…

Katsya and Teras: **Glowers.**

Sakura: Dig in!

Katsya and Teras: **In whispers.** Let's do it… **Whips out daggers and slowly advances on Sakura.**

Sakura: Well, now that that's done; I'm gonna take a shower! **Walks out of studio to her apartment.**

Teras: All the better… **Puts away the dagger and pulls out a butcher knife instead. **Let me handle this, Katsya.

Katsya: Okay, fine. **Puts away the dagger and pulls out a camera instead.** This is going on America's Funniest Home Videos!

Teras and Katsya leave the studio cackling.

Cue the screeching violin music.

TBC

At the airport!

Fangirls: **Crowds around Nisatsu.** ZOMG NISATSU-KUUUUUUUUUUUUN!! **Hearts**

Nisatsu: Oh, hell no.

Boarder: Flights #'s 665, 666, and 667 are now leaving!

Nisatsu: THANK GOD! **Runs onto the plane, flinging the boarding pass at the boarder.**

Fangirls: NISATSU-KUUUN!! **Dash after him.**

Nisatsu: Don't you have a larger vocabulary than this?!

* * *

**A.N.** Better, or worse?


	9. Itachi and chocolate

Cooking Ninjutsu Chpt

Cooking Ninjutsu Chpt. 10

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. Check the reviews, I got the idea of this chapter from the Peter guy and the recipe from Kirsten. Thanks!! I do own Teras, Katsya, and Nisatsu though. I never used Itachi before, so let's see how OOC I'll turn him into unintentionally!

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Sakura: Welcome back to Cooking Ninjutsu! I'm your resurrected hostess, Haruno Sakura! Mind you, I'm a tiny bit hungry. Braaainnnss… **Stalks off.**

Naruto: What the hell?

Sakura: Brains!! **Leaps from under the table and drags a shrieking Naruto off the studio.**

Teras: **Yawns and casually sprawls onto Katsya's lap.** Okay, then. We need a new host. Again.

Sakura: **From outside the studio.** There are no brains in Naruto!! Then again, what else do I expect?

Katsya: This author has got to get some mental help. Every chapter someone gets killed. **Wheels around and stabs Sasuke with a stiletto.** See what I mean?! **Bursts out in tears and smashes Kiba's head on the table. **

Kiba: **Blood pours out from his head.**

Akamaru: **Whimpers.**

Katsya: I need help! **Runs to the nearest grocery store.** Yeah, I need some Vogue®, Playgirl™, and some Nyquil©!

Zombie Sakura: First off, it's Zmobie Sakura, and is that Vogue®?! The models in there are so hot!! **Run/hobbles over to Katsya groan-squealing.**

Teras: Umm… **Looks confused.** Well, there goes two people. New host??

Director: No, we're just cutting it here. **Launches to credits.**

Two months later… in that hideously dirty hellhole from the depths of a very dirty Hell, which you may call Fox Networks- I mean studio!

Director: Okay, let's start again! **Tries to turn on the camera, it breaks.** God dammit! **Whips out a random tentacle camera.** Okay, let's try this again for the 70th time! Hopefully this thing won't burn up in flames or get nuked or call Czechoslovakia!

Author/Satan: Actually, Czechoslovakia's dead now; it split into multiple countries, two of the more noticeable being Czech Republic and Slovakia.

Director: Like I care?

Author/Satan: No, not really. Whatever. **Starts plotting out his latest torture plan/new story idea.** That works… that doesn't…

Director: Okay, just start! **Turns the thing on.** Thank god, it's working!

Author/Satan: No, I just decided to get rid of some more you flipping out for no reason at all to save annoyance about this taking so long.

Director: Shut up.

Itachi walks on stage.

Sasuke: Itachi-teme! I'm gonna kill you!!

Itachi: Grow some balls first, Duck-butt. Then try to kill me.

Sasuke: **Sobs.**

Itachi: Okay… I'm your new host: Uchiha Itachi, also known as the one who slaughtered Sasuke's and my family. We're brothers, by the way.

Katsya: It's Bring Your Psycho Homicidal Hottie Of A Brother To Work Day?! WOOT! Teras, get your brother!

Teras: He's way dead now.

Katsya: Oh, yeah.

Itachi: Okay, so let's make some chocolate pie. **Whips out chocolate.** First you mutilate the chocolate. **Mutilates the chocolate.** Then you remove its organs…

Naruto: Wait, how does chocolate have organs?

Itachi: You don't want to know.

Seven disgusting minutes later…

Katsya: **Barfs.**

Itachi: Then you kill the chocolate. **Strangles the mutilated bar of chocolate somehow.**

Zmobie Sakura: Can I have its brains now?

Itachi: Hmph. **Flings the organs at Zmobie Sakura's head.**

Teras: Wait. How can chocolate have organs?

Naruto: I just asked that, BELIEVE IT!!

Author: Because I said so!

Teras: Whatever.

Zmobie Sakura: Brains and other goodies! **Dives under the table with them.**

Itachi: Then, you stuff the thing into a pastry dish with a bunch of vegetables. **Does that. **And you shove it in the oven for twenty minutes! **Throws the dish in the oven and stalks off reading Icha-Icha Paradise.**

Kakashi: Wait! I love that book! **Chases after Itachi.**

Twenty not very disgusting (Other than Sakura munching on brains and trying to get brains out of Naruto.) Minutes later…

Itachi: Now dig in while I read more of Icha-Icha Paradise!

Sakura: Does it have brains in it??

Itachi: Some.

Sakura: Yay! **Devours the entire pie.** It is good!

Katsya: I am going to kill you!! **Whips out holy water.**

Author/Satan: Holy water?! **Runs away screaming.**

Katsya: Not meant for you. **Whips out a dagger and advances on the brain-searching Sakura.**

**TBC**

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**­**

How did I do? R&R with new ideas! And yes, you know I love to botch recipes horribly. I don't do that in real life though, otherwise I'd turn out like the people in the first chapter. Jaws falling out… Icky!


	10. Le Finale Grande

Cooking Ninjutsu Chpt

Cooking Ninjutsu Chpt. 11! Wow I've been working on this, very gradually but sure I did it!

Disclaimer: I own Teras, Katsya, and Nisatsu. Naruto, however, I don't own. That must be so weird seeing this disclaimer to you readers, but whatever!

My little key for writing: Talking, _Thinking, _**acting,** My little notes added in. Reason why I do this is because my computer doesn't really like to do the little parentheses and submit them on the web. And I like my computer, so I'm not trashing it. Whatever.

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Author/Satan: **Bounces up and down on the kitchen counter.** We're at our something-eth episode!

Katsya: Yay!

Sakura: **Stops munching on Director's head.** Yey!

Sasuke: **With Katsya pointing a gun at his head sarcastically.** Yey…

Teras: BOO YOU SUCK!!

Katsya: **Whirls her head around with a severe glare at Teras and blasts him in the head with a bazooka.**

Author/Satan: Whatever. But, anyways, we'll be doing an extra-long episode. (_If I can handle writing it.) _And instead of one of my creations or Kishimoto-kun's creations, I'll be bringing in one of my friends; Duckydoodles! You've seen him in my various stories/shows so far, but I'd like to bring him in and have him make, chocolate cake!

Duckydoodles: Que!

Teras: **Stares at Ducky.** What. The. Hell?!

Duckydoodles: So, my friend Teras will be making some chocolate cake with me. Hopefully we can avoid Bill Cosby and his wife while we're making this. So to start off, clean your hands.

Author/Satan: **Turns his own hands into ashes.** I don't even know how I can write this story now!

Katsya: **Not shocked in the slightest.** Plotholes, probably.

Teras: **Gapes at Author/Satan.** What the fuck!?

Duckydoodles: Que?!

Sakura: **While munching on Director's head.** Pardon your French!

Author/Satan: Look at me! I'm Guu from Junguru Wa Itsumo Hare Nochi Guu! (A.N. It's one of my favorite animes. It's about this guy who lives in a jungle with his single mom when a girl comes along. She seems nice and sweet the first day, but then the boy –Hare- sees who she truly is; a cunning, sadistic, magical monster-type-thing! It's insanely funny.)

**Regrows his hands.**

Sakura: I promptly lost my lunch…

Duckydoodles: You never did that in WoW!

Author/Satan: I had no need to. So next, we get the materials! **In a burst of flame, summons some eggs, milk, sugar, chocolate, and flour.** We mix the eggs and milk together to make some weird patsy-thing. Then we dunk the chocolate in the flour! **Does that.**

Duckydoodles: No offense, but I really think that we'll just have a normal episode.

Author/Satan: **Face melts from a smile to a frown.** SHIT!! Then the Nisatsu part I'll make interesting!!

Nisatsu: **Over in somewhere over San Francisco. **Oh, fuck no…

Fangirls: **In the planes under Nisatsu.** NISATSU-KUUUUUUUUN!!

Nisatsu: This is torture enough!

Author/Satan: Suck it up!

Nisatsu: **Whimpers.**

Teras: **Cackles.**

Duckydoodles: And now we dump in a goose!

Author/Satan: Why the hell do we need a goose?

Duckydoodles: Because gooses are the enemies of ducks, of course!

Author/Satan: For one thing, that's geese. Not gooses.

Duckydoodles: Whatever.

Author/Satan: Let's just dump this in the oven. **Does so.** And wait for a few hours.

1.25 hours later…

Author/Satan: **Looking like the blond kid in the Banana Phone movie just before the music stops in his head, just with glasses and blue/blonde hair.** I'm sick of waiting!! **Hurls the oven door across the studio with telepathy, knocking Sakura's food/ the Director's head off.**

Sakura: **Starts sobbing.**

Duckydoodles: Que?!

Author/Satan: **Snarls and heaves the nearly-done cake on the eating table.** Eat the fucking thing NOW!!

Katsya: **Whimpering.** The goose's legs are poking out at me!! That's NC-17!!

Author/Satan: **Climbs onto the table and glares at Katsya in the eyes.** I don't care. Eat it now before I bring in Bill Cosby and his family.

Katsya: **Like a little girl crosses her arms.** No!

Author/Satan: **Smirks.** Bad move!

Duckydoodles: Oh, hell, no!!

Bill Cosby and his wife walk in.

Bill Cosby: Well, we have a chocolate cake here! With the chocolate, and the cake, and the creepy goose legs sticking out of the chocolate cake, and the chocolate…

Wife Cosby: (A.N. Like hell I know her name…**) Glares at the cake.** You're letting them eat chocolate CAAAKE?!

Author/Satan: Run, ducky! RUN! **Tears off with Duckydoodles in tow. Also seals the studio behind them.**

Wife Cosby: WHY ARE YOU EATING CHOCOLATE CAAAAAAAAAAAKE?! **Face, SPLITS! Her skull is revealed as her eyes and mouth start spewing fire.** CHOCOLATE CAAAAAKE GOES TO HELL!!

Katsya: **Shrinking back in her chair, does not like seeing fury by the way.** We are in Hell…

Wife Cosby Monster-type-thing: **Head starts spinning around spewing fire all over the place and she mangles the chocolate/goose cake.** CHOCOLATE CAAAKE DIES!!

Camera breaks.

Two weeks later…

Newspaper: We have the new Hell's Kitchen! Author/Satan brings in Bill Cosby's wife, who promptly burns the place to the ground! We are sorry to say, the show is now closed for good.

Everyone who was ever a guest in Cooking Ninjutsu: YES!!

Nisatsu: Let's kill these fangirls first!

Fangirls: Nisatsu-kun?! **Pouting puppy faces.**

Nisatsu: **Not looking launches a massive fireball at them, incinerating them all.** Well, let's get on with our daily lives now!

End of Story!

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Author Notes: I just entirely ran out of ideas on this one, but now to work on Final Mission! If I get enough reviews, I'll probably whip out some weird spin-off to this which will turn into the second Cooking Ninjutsu. But until then, it's into more of my characters!


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